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Post Info TOPIC: Getting SOOO frustrated with hubby and purging project


RV-Dreams Family Member

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Getting SOOO frustrated with hubby and purging project


We could potentially have this place totally emptied and ready to list in less than a week, if only me and DH would get on the same page!!!

Ok, I do have to give him credit that he has mostly gotten out of his pack rat mentality and is now deciding to only keep those computer components and tools he knows (or thinks) he'll need for his business.  However, now he's decided to go green while also helping others.  What this means is that instead of putting everything into the huge dumpster that's still in our driveway, and instead of bringing everything over to Staples, Best Buy or other place that accepts old computers & parts, he has to take photos and list them on Freecycle, in case there's somebody out there that can use the stuff!!!  (he IS throwing away stuff that's broken or doesn't work)  He doesn't seem to realize or understand how much extra time it takes for him to take and upload the photos, put the listing online, respond to the emails asking for it (and trying to decide who is best suited to give it to... they actually have to make a case, like a poor student or something, rather than give it to the first one to respond), and then put it in a box or bag, tag their name and put it in a separate place, and be available for when they want to pick it up.

I know and appreciate that one man's junk is another's treasure and there's a lot of stuff I am giving away rather than throwing out (like good clothing, dishes & other housewares).  But I am simply putting them in a box or bag, putting it on the side and then having a local charity come pick it up.  Same amount of time and effort as putting it in the dumpster.  We decided not to nickel and dime anything -- no garage sale or flea market -- we will only list stuff for sale that we think will net more than $100 (which is very few items -- mostly a few power tools, a deep freezer and a motorcycle that he never learned to ride!)

Anyway, I am just getting so, so frustrated because we're already 2 weeks behind when I wanted to list the house.  Most of the repairs are complete now; only 1 more day's worth of work to do, but they can't do that until we've finished the purging.  I really wish DH would stop trying to be so helpful and green and just throw everything he's not going to use into the dumpster!!!

Am I wrong for feeling this way?



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biggrinbiggrinbiggrin LOL!!!! For a man too get rid of his favorite "JUNQUE" is like taking candy away from a Baby!!!! Wah! Wah! I keep threatening to start this old camper this Spring park by the big Green Monster and let it have a giganic meal!!!winkwink Now I am trying to locate my Heart to have heart enough to do it! Lots-O-Luck! Don't scream too loud it hurts my ears!!!nonono



-- Edited by PIEERE on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 03:59:34 PM

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Cheryl, there is a charity called World Computer Exchange that accepts (some) old computers and uses them to build computer labs for schools in undeveloped countries. Might be an option. I know exactly how you are feeling! I was getting really frustrated too, finally had a meltdown about needing to get stuff DONE and after that finally we got in gear. Three weeks later the house was on the market :)
Jo

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POWER TOOLS!!!!!!! Whatcha got! Oh never mind I just heard a NO and Get Back to Work from the other room.

Sorry Cheryl.

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Pieere and Red - you make me laugh!!! Jo - it's not just computers: it's hubs, routers, monitors, cables, power supplies, more cables (which, btw, he uses a lot of LAN cables for work as he installs networks... he must have thousands of cables laying around the house. He can't just put them in a box -- he now needs to MEASURE each and every one, and put them each in individual ziploc bags noting the measurement. Ok, this will definitely make his life so much easier down the road (when he needs a 10' cable, he'll know just where to look). But he's always suffered from ADHD. Why *** NOW *** after 56 years has he just decided to get organized????   furiousfuriouswinkdoh



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I would jump in but I have 2 side compartments loaded full of Tools!!!!(Trix is a witness)....not to mention hiding spots in the coach ,and I live with a dog!!

I understand your frustration tho.....you are closing one chapter in you life and are getting ready to write an adventure novel.........

I feel for you , we all did it in one way or another...(Nikki has 4 dog bowls & 3 beds, Why?)

It will come together ......Live, Breathe ,Relax!!!

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I am not quite where you are, however, I am also a bit frustrated. A while back we made a list of things needing to be done before listing the house. Then the other day I talked to our realtor and we set a tentative list date of 5 weeks from this weekend, so about March 8. Nothing etched in stone, mind you, just a target date to aim for. She said that would be a good time in this area. She sold us this house 11 years ago and we have stayed in touch, so she knows the house. She came and saw it, I think, around Thanksgiving so I could get her thoughts on if we needed to make any large changes or just the usual declutter and depersonalizing. We made a small list of fairly minor things like touch-up paint, etc. Yesterday I told Bill that I spoke to her and our tentative date. He had a, I don't know what to call it, but went on and on about all that needs to be done, etc and there is NO WAY we will be ready by then. I was a bit speechless (which is RARE for me - LOL!) and just let him have his say and didn't say a word. He calmed down and walked away and maybe a half hour later just started talking to me about something else. I have decided to just stay the course and do what needs to be done. I am chalking it up to stress and having a "bad moment". This just confirms to me that us doing this is the right thing, as if it weren't for all the stress from this job of his, he would not have reacted that way. He is the calm one, not me, so that role-reversal was just further proof of his needing to get out of there.

Thanks for letting me vent on your thread, Cheryl! Guess we all have our frustrations, they all just play out differently.

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Vent away, Kelly! I think one of the problems is that Mitch doesn't do any of the accounting. We weren't in a rush (been working on this project for 3 years), but since I lost my job at the end of December, it's very iffy how long we'll be able to make the mortgage payments, so we really ARE in a huge rush now to get this place on the market sooner rather than later. Maybe that fact hasn't hit him yet (although I'm about to!)

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2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

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It's Compulsive Obsessive Disorder settling in now!!! Now it isn't Right to the Moon; Alice; It's Mitch!!! Snap your fingers maybe someone hypnotized him!!! Don't hit him to hard; you might need him!!!

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I'm not sure whether to bring this up or not, being I'm not a psychologist, but could it be that the husbands in this thread that are hesitating may be having second thoughts?  It might be a good idea to feel them out because both people in a couple need to fully be on board.

Terry



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What will happen if you are a week or two late getting the house listed (it is just February)? Prime selling time is April - July. People react differently to giving their 'treasures' away. We had a real hard time with books. Everyone is different and if you want this new venture to succeed, then lighten up and let him do his thing. Pressuring someone to 'hurry up' only says that you don't value his efforts to do the right thing and leads to resentment. There will be enough trying times ahead as you adjust to this new lifestyle you don't need to start with built in resentments.

Barb


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Terry and Jo wrote:

I'm not sure whether to bring this up or not, being I'm not a psychologist, but could it be that the husbands in this thread that are hesitating may be having second thoughts?  It might be a good idea to feel them out because both people in a couple need to fully be on board.

Terry


 My thoughts also.

Or the hubby is going "slow" so he can acclimatize to the idea. 

You have to admit this is a huge change in life and sometimes  a little scary.

Talk to him.



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Thanks, Terry and Barb. Good advice, but I can assure you,we are definitely on the same page, chasing after the same dream. Sometimes when I start having doubts, he's the one that nudges me back on track. We BOTH are always talking about the RV this and the RV that. I think it's really more about his possessions and having been a pack rat all these years -- it's the habit that's hard to break.

But I will try to go easier on him. Thanks for the advice.

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2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

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Hi Cheryl,

It's possible that the delay is being caused by more of an emotional reaction than anything else. Lee tends to be a pack rat as well...but that's all about how the stuff gives him comfort not the stuff itself. Your turning your life upside down in a short period of time and maybe holding onto these things is his way of not letting go. That being said, if it was my husband I would try to get to the root of the problem quickly and then push to solve that and let the stuff go. As you said you are on a tight time frame. Perfect world he could take all the time he needed to mentally prepare but it's not the perfect world. Good luck sweetie and hang in there.

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Mitch's problem isn't so much the personal attachment to his things, as it is that he might have the need to use it again and doesn't want to have to replace it (even down to the thousands of screws he has!)

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Cheryl B. in her new RV

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2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

My blog is http://mitcheryl-rv-journey.blogspot.com/

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Oh man this sounds just like me. I have boxes of computer stuff that is now so old that it wouldn't even make a good boat anchor. My wife Barbara keeps trying to sneak them into the junk pile, but somehow I bring it back from the dead. I have stuff that I just might need in the future. We really have no room for it and I should get rid of that stuff. I have found that just when I get rid of something that is when I end up needing just that part.

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And you are so right, Michael! That IS exactly what happens -- once we get rid of something, he often DOES end up needing it again. But there comes a point when you just have to go out and spend the $1.00 or $10 or $20 to replace it when that time comes rather than using up precious space.

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Cheryl B. in her new RV

(well, not new any more! Full timing since 6/25/14)

2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

My blog is http://mitcheryl-rv-journey.blogspot.com/

My business: www.AZAdminSolutions.com



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I have kept so much stuff I wind up buying new because I can't ind the old one. Of course it shows up right after I put the new part in service, just like putting salt in the wound.

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Red - LOL!!!!! Couldn't be more true!!!!

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2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

My blog is http://mitcheryl-rv-journey.blogspot.com/

My business: www.AZAdminSolutions.com



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biggrinbiggrin Red! You nailed it right on it's head!!! When i have to replace it I usually buy a couple extras. More clutter to find a spot for! nono



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BTW, you gentlemen aren't really helping my cause here!!!  nobiggrin



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You do know cheryl that if you spent less time on the forum you could pick up his slack!......(LOL)..just Say'in

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Lucky Mike wrote:

You do know cheryl that if you spent less time on the forum you could pick up his slack!......(LOL)..just Say'in


          confuseconfuse Cheryl is going to track us down like a hunter on an African Big game Safari! biggrinbiggrin At least we know Who is 1st on the List!!!!



-- Edited by PIEERE on Monday 3rd of February 2014 10:13:32 AM

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Lucky Mike wrote:

You do know cheryl that if you spent less time on the forum you could pick up his slack!......(LOL)..just Say'in


 Yeah but we'd miss her!



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Cheryl - not sure if this helps, but we put the house on the market without everything being purged. The house was pretty well purged and staged and we had moved into the RV on the driveway. However, the garage and the storage room behind the garage were nowhere close to being purged when we were within 2 weeks of listing.

We had a group of friends who came over a week before the house went on the market for a "work party" (yes, wonderful friends, they cleaned windows, carpets, weeded the yard, etc.). The day before they came over we pulled out all the perfectly good "stuff" that we knew wasn't going with us that Dale was having trouble throwing away. Those friends were happy to relieve us of yard care products, de-icer for sidewalks, tools, rakes, shovels, a bin of screws/nuts/bolts, etc. Then we had the neighbors come over and pick through "stuff", in 2 days we had about 1/2 the "stuff" that we knew wasn't going with us but things Dale didn't want to just throw away GONE!!

He then continued to sort and purge for the next few days. The day before the house went on the market, I boxed up lots of the remaining stuff, made sure the storage room shelves looked neat and not too overcrowded and we put the house on the market. Once we had a signed contract we opened those boxes one by one and continued the purging while the house closing process continued. That gave us another 5 weeks of purging, sorting, donating, finding specialized charities that accepted items Goodwill wouldn't, etc.

We also found that putting stuff on our curb on a Saturday morning with a large "free" sign resulted in 95% of that stuff being gone by Saturday evening. Our house was being purged during the start of garage sale season where we lived and lots of people were out shopping for treasures and were happy to pick up the free items. I think we did that on 4 different occasions and it was amazing what people took that we thought would be going to the dump.

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I really appreciate everyones comments, and I can tell you with certainty, Bill wants this as much as I do, actually he NEEDS this more than I do. He just had a "moment". He does feel stressed about it, between his current (crappy) job and the thought of all that needs to be done around here. I agree that if listing the house is delayed a week or two, it isn't the end of the world, I just wanted some type of time frame so we don't keep saying "tomorrow". We are going to do what needs to be done and no more procrastinating, one day at a time. My cousin volunteered to come spend a week with me helping me, she is very good at organizing, etc. He was just thinking of all these little things that he thinks people are going to not want to buy the house, like some grout in the kitchen floor needs a bit of repair. No big deal, but at that moment, he was like "they will think the floor wasn't installed right and what else wasn't done right?". It's a 23 year old house, no one is going to not buy it b/c some grout needs to be repaired, if they even notice. That is 100% stress talking from being so damn tired after working 72 hours last week!

Thanks again everyone for letting me vent! I'd rather be able to do it here than take it back out on him! That NEVER ends well.

Kelly



-- Edited by jrzygrl64 on Monday 3rd of February 2014 04:48:26 PM

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There's a lot of cosmetic repairs that needed to be done to our 30 year old house, including stuff like grout. We took care of the real obvious stuff that folks will notice when they walk in the door, so that they don't get the impression that the house needs a lot of work. However, beyond that, all the "little" stuff can be negotiated and we're willing to come down a lot in price just so we can sell quickly.

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2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

My blog is http://mitcheryl-rv-journey.blogspot.com/

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One more comment from me.  For DECADES I was the consummate pack rat and procrastinator.  When Jo brought up this idea of RV'ing, I went into the garage to start with and began to look at tools.  With each one, I asked myself, "When did I last use that?"  Shockingly to me, many of the items hadn't been touched since we moved into the house a few years before.  Being one that values his tools, I did have some that didn't get bought at the garage sales and to relatives.  When we finally moved out, we left them in the garage and basically gave them to the buyers of our home.  I told him that I had no need for them and he could either keep the stuff or sell it.

We will be moving from our current location in about 5 months after we retire, so I will get to go through things again and do some more purging of items that I haven't been using.

So, I can fully relate to the other pack rats, but I'm getting better at even giving things away.  The lady at the "nearby" Goodwill store doesn't even ask us anymore if we want a receipt for our donation.  She knows that we don't need that because we don't itemize.

Oh, and I'm still fighting with the "pack rat syndrome."

Terry



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Great posts on this subject. I think it's kinda normal to think you,have more time than you do to get it all sorted/sold/donated! We had our cleaning gal come in for a full day and hired the carpets cleaned after we left but we also were blessed that we had wonderful friends who LISTED and hauled truckloads the very last items from our garage to the Humane Society! We just weren't done as we thought we were and wouldn't have made it without friends!

Hopefully, your husband will get to the point where he donates what he doesn't need on the road. I also agree with the posters who say it's stress about the move that may have bound him up for a few days. We do the same when we're overwhelmed, we organize and make lists. It allows us to at least have the illusion we're in control of a very chaotic situation. 😄

As I said in an earlier post, My husband would haul things out to our RV and I would haul them back in and visa versa. That worked (mostly) for us because it required conversation about what we really needed. I'm embarrassed to tell you that we just added a class C to our arsenal and we have furnished mostly not all of it from duplicates and maybe triplicates that I had loaded in our 5'er only 8 months ago! We had great friends give us a new stick vacuum just like what they loved in their 5'er and we picked up some short queen sheets, and a few other things we needed but we were WAY overpacked! Sigh.

Guess I'm just saying it will all work out in the end.

Sherry

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Yes, it definitely will work well in the end. We made significant progress today as we're between snow storms. The snow blocking the dumpster melted enough that we were able to push it aside so we could put more stuff into it. Mitch was really good about throwing more stuff out, and I tried really hard to lay off of him when he asked to put something on the side to think about later.

Now the challenge is for him to figure out what he wants to do with 4 large boxes of Byte Magazines from the 1970-80s!!!

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I have some 5*1/4" floppies if he is in need of some more stuff.



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dewwood wrote:

I have some 5*1/4" floppies if he is in need of some more stuff.


 ROFLMBO!!!!!  We actually did find a few of those as well, but he was good to throw them out!



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2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

My blog is http://mitcheryl-rv-journey.blogspot.com/

My business: www.AZAdminSolutions.com



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cherylbrv wrote:
dewwood wrote:

I have some 5*1/4" floppies if he is in need of some more stuff.


 ROFLMBO!!!!!  We actually did find a few of those as well, but he was good to throw them out!


 Well, there you go!  It's a start!



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Actually, he just said he only wants 8" floppies.

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Cheryl,
I am where you are at. My data networking hubby has cords, and cords, and cords everywhere. I was allowed to throw out CD's the other day, LOL. I have tried to find my Zen in all of this - when I am crying while scanning pictures and it seems like he does not have the same urgency to "get it all done". At the same time deal with the guilt of putting pressure on the poor guy stuck working nights and he is the one that has to do all the fixing around the house. I think I found my Zen by focusing on what I can do, and leave him be for the most part. He is clear on the listing date first of March. If stuff isn't done on his part, it isn't done, the house will list as is.
It will all work out in the end, it is all part of the journey.
Happy RV-Dreams. :)

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Linda  

5er: 2014 Dynamax Trilogy 3650RL (#311!) "Dagny" ~> bossed around by "Roth" the 2012 Dodge Ram 3500 DRW & may follow in MY Jeep Wrangler that I can not give up just yet

Web site/Blog site: http://conservativerv.com/



RV-Dreams Family Member

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cherylbrv wrote:


....Now the challenge is for him to figure out what he wants to do with 4 large boxes of Byte Magazines from the 1970-80s!!!


 Except for those pesky ordinances many communities have, I say they'd make a great bonfire.biggrin 

Patience is a virtue.  I have tons of model trains and modelling supplies to work through so I feel his pain.   It's great hobby but I don't see a realistic way to do it when we go FT.  It's space hog no matter which way you slice it. 



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Brian, Cindi & Josie (our fur baby)
2017 RAM 3500 Laramie 4x4 CCLB, CTD, Aisin, B&W hitch, dually
2020 Keystone Montana Legacy 3813MS w/FBP ,
MORryde 8k IS, Kodiak disc brakes, no solar  YET!



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We've been doing this same thing for the past month or two. I'm pretty much to the point where I could put the rest of my stuff into the coach tomorrow and hit the road. Jo Ann, though, is working through her stuff, and it is taking her a lot longer. We're taking some things that we know we need for a while yet, but then they will be replaced with new stuff. Other things are going to go with us now, knowing that what's in those boxes will either be kept with us or put in a dumpster somewhere (no personal information there). We have no restrictions on burning, so any papers with personal information on them, no matter how old and out-of-date, are burned. I do have several boxes of Flying, QST, and Sport Aviation magazines that will probably just go down to the recycle place in Buffalo the next time we go that way.

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David, kb0zke

1993 Foretravel U300 40'

Build number 4371

For sale



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Hi, Cheryl, Mine isn't into computers, but he has a huge garage full of machinist tools and various assortments of other types of tools. And we are suppose to close on March 17!! When he goes out to work on it, he finds something he hasn't seen in years and gets distracted. I keep telling myself it will work out! lol Good luck to you!

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RV-Dreams Family Member

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MAX-ANN wrote:

When he goes out to work on it, he finds something he hasn't seen in years and gets distracted. I keep telling myself it will work out! lol Good luck to you!


 Yep!!!!



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Cheryl B. in her new RV

(well, not new any more! Full timing since 6/25/14)

2008 DRV MS 36TKBS3 (the CoW: Castle on Wheels), 2005 Ford F550 hauler (the Bull)

My blog is http://mitcheryl-rv-journey.blogspot.com/

My business: www.AZAdminSolutions.com



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You ladies just don't understand the relationship a guy has with his tools. LOL! I found a way to keep mine.

Just saying.

Red

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Full timing since 2/27/14.

Silverado HD 3500 4X4 Dually.

Momentum 380 by Grand Design.



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First time a repair is needed on the MH and it needs the tool that got left behind at the Goodwill.................gonna hear about it for days !



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Bill and Jodee Gravel Full-timers (June, 2015)

Tessa the Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier

2014 Thor Tuscany XTE 34ST

2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee 4x4

http://www.ontheroadabode.blogspot.com

 



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Bill and Jodee wrote:

First time a repair is needed on the MH and it needs the tool that got left behind at the Goodwill.................gonna hear about it for days !


 

Nope.  I'm the tool guy and have been for some time, but I'm now at the point that I don't even remember all the tools that I had.  In fact, I'm so old and forgetful that I'm not sure where all the tools I do have are located.  When I go looking for a particular tool, I have to check the basement on two sides and two different trucks.

Terry



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Terry and Jo

2010 Mobile Suites 38TKSB3
2008 Ford F450
2019 Ford Expedition Max as Tag-along or Scout

Our photos on Smugmug

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