Going back - RV-Dreams Community Forum

Torn_But_Not_Ripped · RV-Dreams Community Member

Going back

Julie and Ray · RV-Dreams Family Member

Michelle-

First of all, WELCOME BACK!!! Rest assured, you are not alone in these thoughts. This is a serious consideration. Not only one partner passing away, but what if one gets seriously ill or needs regular treatment of some sort? I'm sure the experienced folks can give some real-life examples/experiences including some success stories, but for us newbies, yea, it's one of the biggies!!

Torn_But_Not_Ripped · RV-Dreams Community Member

Thank you so much, I am so glad to know I am not the only one to think about such as that.

And thank you for the WB :)

BiggarView · RV-Dreams Family Member

I'd be nervous about getting too philosophical regarding this. Losing a loved one will shake what you believe to it's core. To me, in order to cope, you have to really know yourself, your limitations, your fears (and why they exist) your strengths, your dreams your resources and so on. Even then you'll still have to take leap of faith somewhere. How big a leap will depend entirely on your personal comfort zone and with the nature of your character. A change in your paradigm is a scary thing that asks you to question the reality you are in vs the one you are evaluating. Some of us are able to take large leaps and others require baby steps. Neither is right or wrong.

There was a time before we decided to examine this lifestyle when I thought having a house was the "be all end all" of my version of the "dream" After years of yardwork, winters of snow shovelling, accumulating furnishings and decorations for a huge house... I, personally, no longer see the point of it. I'm ready for experiences, not things. A house is just a place to put my stuff, a trailer (or motorhome) is no different in that respect, but at least I am constrained to less stuff. Economically, the RV is the equivalent of renting a place to live instead of owning it (due to the fact the RV depreciates and you still need a place to park it while you live in it) At least you can change your backyard anytime you want. That is the prism of my view to home ownership vs RVs. Others, even you, may or will have a different view and that is OK too. It's not crazy to evaluate the what-ifs and be fearful. It makes you human. If you are too scared to take that leap, you'll know what you have to do, if you are brave enough to take the leap... you'll know what you have to do. The right decision for you, is the one you make for yourself... either way.

Regret will kill you just as surely as doubt will. At least with regret, you had to have made a decision and learned from it, with doubt you were paralysed by indecision.... which I guarantee, you will surely regret. It's sort of like "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." That intensity, that passion truly dictates how you will deal with whatever reality comes along.

FWIW, Brian

-- Edited by BiggarView on Friday 22nd of January 2016 08:31:23 AM

jrzygrl64 · RV-Dreams Family Member

It is morbid - it's something that has to be considered.

For me, I don't think I would continue alone. I can drive the rig (although I am terrible at backing up!) but this is OUR dream and if I were alone I think I'd hunker down near family. The most I would probably do is go from warmer climate in the winter to PA (where my kids are) in the summers.

Bill says he isn't sure what he would do. He is of the mind that this is a morbid topic.

I am also glad you are back on the forum!

bjoyce · RV-Dreams Family Member

A partner's death is a major life change, people in houses often move when they end up alone. We have been fulltiming for 12 years and death and health are the two events that might get us out of fulltiming, but they also could have caused us to move when we had a house.

Many fulltimers stop fulltiming, but most do not go back to the place they moved out of. They find another part of the country to live, they downsize since they are used to a smaller place, they don't want to maintain a large property anymore, etc.

-- Edited by bjoyce on Tuesday 24th of November 2015 11:25:03 PM

Terry and Jo · RV-Dreams Family Member

Michelle,

I am 69 and Jo is 63. When we started this process, we had the advantage of having lived in rental apartments and homes for many years. The first house that we really owned and lived in didn't come about until 1996. 7 years later, we moved from town to 5 acres with a house and pond and built a metal shed. 3 years after that, we moved to a smaller place (hated mowing 5 acres and especially around the dam and the pond. Lived in the smaller place (3/4 of an acre with house) for 4 years before it sold and we moved into the RV.

While we made money on the first two houses, we took a loss on the last one because of the housing bust. Our thoughts are that we will never own another house, as they are an issue to sell later on. We'd either have to hire someone to fix things before selling or our kids would have to do that. Too much trouble for any of us, so if anything stops the living in the RV, we'll just find a place to rent. Preferably something small so we can't gather too much stuff again. Until then, we'll live in the RV and after 4 1/2 years in it, we've no regrets.

While we are still "static" full-timers, possibly in another year to year and a half we can begin traveling the country. I've still got lots of photos to take of nature's wonders. If anything happens to me, Jo has already said she would sell the rig and rent something somewhere near relatives. If anything happens to her first, I suspect that I'll still try to travel as much as I can.

Terry

TRAILERKING · RV-Dreams Family Member

I'm with bjoyce and Terry......

Barbaraok · RV-Dreams Family Member

Both Dave & I have experienced life threatening illnesses - once you have come to terms with the fact that we are all mortal the fear goes away. Start by having the conversation about when to pull the plug - because you need to have that worked out. Make sure both partners know where the information is concerning bank accounts, insurance policies, retirement funds, etc., and how to access them and how the accounts are set up concerning beneficiaries, etc. Make sure you understand how Social Security payments will be affected and also any other retirement accounts. Again BOTH parties need to know because the first one to die isn't necessarily the oldest. My grandfather was 20 years older than my grandmother - she always worried that he would die and she would have all the kids to raise (they had 11) - she dropped dead at 49 and he lived another 15 years after that.

As to where you are living - house versus trailer, it is just a place. Is it the fact that you won't have a support system around you that makes you afraid? This is where prior discussions/planning will help. It is going to happen - one will go first, so you need to make sure you are both on the same page. The more you discuss what it is you each need to know, what each wants, etc., the more the 'mystery' and fear go away. Not pleasant, but the time to do it is when you are both feeling well.

Barb

JonRV · RV-Dreams Family Member

Enjoy the time you have!

As the kids say YOLO :)

Second Chance · RV-Dreams Family Member

I agree with what folks have said - especially Brian and Barb. Perhaps I can build on what they have said and add a little from the perspective of experience. My first wife died suddenly (car accident) after 36 years of marriage (I sometimes add the six years prior to getting married, but we were just "children" then...). When we were young, our version of the dream was to go full-time - but on a sailboat rather than in an RV. Then came careers, houses, trying to parent and raise two very troubled adopted children, etc., etc. We were finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel (in this case, some medium term retirement planning) when she died. Result: dream unrealized. I don't believe my "out of mind" experience in the months after her death would have been much different had we been living in our stix 'n brix (as we were), on a sailboat, or in an RV. The only good thing in all of it, in my retrospective opinion, was that she had forced me to have "the talk" periodically so I knew what her end of life wishes were and what she wanted and expected me to do if she were to die first.

Wife 2.0 is even more adventurous than wife 1.0 (who was pretty darned adventurous) and was 50% of the catalyst in our going full-time this year. Having been born and raised on the mission field in south and central America, she wants to expand our horizons and spend at least a month each year in another country. The move to full-timing and planning for extended travel outside the U.S. has pushed both of us to shift from focusing on things to focusing on experiences and memories.

We both have concerns about the "what ifs" surrounding one or the other of us getting seriously ill or dying. I recently spent a weekend putting together a document with everything either of us would need to know to take care of our affairs in the event something were to happen (and the odds are 100% that it will sooner or later). We also have discussions about what each of us would do if one of us were to die while we're still on the road. These are not comfortable topics and the tendency is to avoid them, but I would have been in a much worse place when my first wife died had she not made us have those talks.

To paraphrase Brian, the only right decision is the one you make for yourself. Make it and enjoy life.

Rob

PIEERE · RV-Dreams Family Member

My divorce happened in 1988; I was 37; her 33; she got remarried; I never did. Started living in an RV in 1994; traveling and work camping since 1998; in 2012 had the Widow Maker and survived. Forced me to stop working in August of that year. Applied and received my SSD in July of 2013; almost became the victim of homelessness another 2-3 months without income and would have. Anyhow; I am a survivor so far and don't worry about morbidity as close to death as I was. All I can say is when i was being worked on by the Cardiologist and heart unit nurses; it was very peaceful and calmed my fear!!!

Trikester · RV-Dreams Family Member

I’m twelve days away from my seventy second marker on the trek into old farthood. Judy is six and a half years younger. Both of us are, as far as we know, in good health and choosing to live our lives rather than die them.

But there’s the reality that none of us gets out of this world alive. Sooner or later, yep, one of us will have to deal with life alone. That’s the reality of morbidity.

But now is now. We have national parks to explore, trails to pedal or hike, a grandson to watch, friends to make and cherish, creativities to express, and even the reality of death’s eventuality to embrace.

When the time comes to move from stage-one (go-go) of retirement into stages two (slow-go) and three (no-go), we’ll keep processing reality together so long as we both shall live. But when the both-shall-live thing ends, one of us will endure and, I suspect, thrive. I can’t foresee the details. But we’re doing what’s needed to ensure, as much as possible, that relationships and finances will support whatever needs to happen.

TRAILERKING · RV-Dreams Family Member

Trikester wrote:
I’m twelve days away from my seventy second marker on the trek into old farthood. Judy is six and a half years younger. Both of us are, as far as we know, in good health and choosing to live our lives rather than die them.

But there’s the reality that none of us gets out of this world alive. Sooner or later, yep, one of us will have to deal with life alone. That’s the reality of morbidity.

But now is now. We have national parks to explore, trails to pedal or hike, a grandson to watch, friends to make and cherish, creativities to express, and even the reality of death’s eventuality to embrace.

When the time comes to move from stage-one (go-go) of retirement into stages two (slow-go) and three (no-go), we’ll keep processing reality together so long as we both shall live. But when the both-shall-live thing ends, one of us will endure and, I suspect, thrive. I can’t foresee the details. But we’re doing what’s needed to ensure, as much as possible, that relationships and finances will support whatever needs to happen.

Can't put it much better than that.....Especially the "go-go, slow-go, no-go" reality.

Julie and Ray · RV-Dreams Family Member

Trikester wrote:
I’m twelve days away from my seventy second marker on the trek into old farthood. Judy is six and a half years younger. Both of us are, as far as we know, in good health and choosing to live our lives rather than die them.

But there’s the reality that none of us gets out of this world alive. Sooner or later, yep, one of us will have to deal with life alone. That’s the reality of morbidity.

But now is now. We have national parks to explore, trails to pedal or hike, a grandson to watch, friends to make and cherish, creativities to express, and even the reality of death’s eventuality to embrace.

When the time comes to move from stage-one (go-go) of retirement into stages two (slow-go) and three (no-go), we’ll keep processing reality together so long as we both shall live. But when the both-shall-live thing ends, one of us will endure and, I suspect, thrive. I can’t foresee the details. But we’re doing what’s needed to ensure, as much as possible, that relationships and finances will support whatever needs to happen.

BRAVO Bill ! ! ! !

Torn_But_Not_Ripped · RV-Dreams Community Member

DH and I discuss it, but I have to be in the right frame of mind (meaning I won't just start bawling uncontrollably and the conversation is over).

I told him the other day when I first started thinking about it, if something were to happen to him or me that if the remaining one didn't want to keep the trailer at least the other would be able to take the trailer & sell it for a decent amount of rent on an apartment or down payment on a small house or something. That seemed to set well with both of us so I "think" that is where we are on that.

He also did mention he wouldn't want to stay in our trailer if I wasn't there. I won't get into how I'd feel if I lost him :(

We will be mainly static full timers because he is at the "slow-go" very near "no-go" stage.

Thanks to everyone for your different experiences. It certainly gives us more to discuss, and answers some questions as well.

Camper Chronicles · RV-Dreams Family Member

I'm really glad you brought this up, because I think about it a lot but haven't really talked much about it here.

This is one of my biggest concerns for a multitude of reasons, so I will share the thoughts that go through my head. Just to show you, your not crazy if nothing else and I think this is an important point.

A year in, I am not 100% convinced I have the skill set yet to hitch up the RV and drive someplace. I have friends and hopefully someone would help me but where would I go? Near one of the kids maybe, or near my sister, just not sure since they are in 5 different states. How do you get the body to where it needs to be, and where is the funeral held? Where would the kids gather to mourn together since there is no traditional home to go to. How would I generate enough revenue alone since a large part of our strategy requires Lee and I to both work to maintain the lifestyle. Would I even want to do this, since a large part of the joy I feel is sharing it with Lee.

All of those thoughts are valid questions, and as much a planner as I am...I don't have a plan for that. Maybe I will get there, but right now it all feels just to big to tackle along with everything else.

But here's the other side of it. If he did die, I would be so very grateful for every single moment we have had together this last year and I would never give that up for the illusion of safety. As Cori says, "If your dream doesn't scare you, it isn't big enough." It's true. There is some fear that goes along with trying this lifestyle. If their wasn't everyone would do it and we would never be able to find a campground :)

So you are not crazy for thinking these thoughts, and we should all talk about them more, but don't let the fear consume you. Accept it as a cost, move through it, live with it, tackle it, but don't let it rule you .

Trace

Talensnana · RV-Dreams Family Member

I think this is a very important discussion. For me this is "our" adventure. If something happened to my husband, I would not continue rving. Although I love this lifestyle I would not do it without him. I would sell the RV and either put a tiny house on one of my daughters property or rent an apartment near them. Family is everything and I know I would need my chhildren and grandbabies as well as be helpful to them.

My husband would also not continue rving although he physically could. I think he would move closer to the kids also.

Physically I have a lot of health issues that do not affect the length of my life, but do affect my mobility and quality of life. Although my husband is older he is much healthier.

So although we have a idea of what's next, I am trying to just enjoy my time with him making memories and discover my world.

Don A · RV-Dreams Community Member

I’m compelled to reply with my story with the following especially if it helps someone to move forward.
I lost my wife to brain cancer in Feb ’14. We had hoped to fulltime but obviously illness prevented that. Decided I could not afford house anymore and put it on the market Sept ’14. Accepted offer seven months later. One month later I had prostate cancer surgery, then house settlement four weeks after. Ordered new 5th wheel July ’15. Had 9 weeks of radiation Sept to Nov. Lived in travel trailer since June until pick-up of 5th wheel in late Nov. I am fulltime and still moving slowly but steadily and look forward to many years. Kids will get what’s left. Have my “plan B” girlfriend with me and lovin’ life.

Moral of the story: DO IT NOW, don’t look back and enjoy the ride no matter what gets in the way.

Lucky Mike · RV-Dreams Family Member

HHHHmmmm.....

2011 while I was fulltiming had a quad bypass plus have 2 mortal anurisms that are inoperable

2011 became a victim to the infamous National serial infector......after a year of chemo and chemical therapy I proudly was found virus free and became a semi- paraplegic from the treatments and me and my service dog jumped right back in the RV and have not quit !!!

2014 I was lucky enough to find a very caring woman that knew what my outcome was going to be and she took command of what ever comes our way !!

Live....Breathe and relax.........you have no control of your outcome and I know in the last moments I'll be able to smile and have no regrets !!!

PrairieRV · RV-Dreams Family Member

I appreciate reading all the comments on this topic. I plan to be full-timing in the next few years and am dealing with all the things I would have to give up. I'm facing each squarely and considering if that is a show-stopper or not. So far, the show is going on.

Dealing with the loss of a partner or serious illness of one partner is a biggie for most full-timers. But I'm single (divorced since 1996), and I know full-timing won't be permanent and eventually I'll have to settle somewhere when I can no longer go. But what about planning for sudden illness or death when I'm on the go and away from my remaining family (no kids, just a brother who will be S&B-bound)? How do you plan for that?

Lucky Mike · RV-Dreams Family Member

I keep a trust that forwards all of my lifes special things ready for my children without headaches......I keep all my medical records around my neck and end of life instructions in a medic alert usb ........life insurance and directions are with my attorney

bottom line is when that day comes , I wont be the one worrying about it.....I did my best to make sure all the glitches are taken care of and the right people and means to get to them are included...........I worry more about my life rather than the end of it!!!.........each moment is mine to savor and in the end Im DNR/DNI.....so Im trying my best to spend it all to keep most of the confusion and bickering to a minimum!!!!.....

P.S. Title is signed in the glovebox maps included...........sit me in the other seat , call me Bernie !!! and carry on !!

PIEERE · RV-Dreams Family Member

I am a heart patient with the VA and have filed a living will with them; my daughter and keep a copy in the fridge in a plastic tube. I have a Do Not Resuscitate order and also an organ doner; if anything left is worthwhile; which I doubt!

mds1 · RV-Dreams Family Member

I started to write out a long reply but decided to keep it short. I deal with death in my job on a fairly regular basis so my opinion might be a little off.

First, for those who shared their personal story and have already struggled, you are brave and a fine example to follow.

I read a story where a lady's husband died while they were fulltiming. A guy who they had met, I believe through fulltiming, drove to the RV park and brought her and the rig to his families property. He sat her up and told her she could live on the property in the rig as long as she needed to. He loaned her a spare family car and asked her to drive it to see family and until she was able to get on her feet.

My brother was once an over-the-road trucker. I might ask him to do the same for my wife. If I go first, I have planned for her financial wellbeing, she can sell the rig where it stands and move on. So far I've purchased six burial plots in a graveyard where many generations of my family are buried. We plan to be buried sideways to take up all the space. NO, not really.

I married a strong women who was taking care of herself before she met me. If she goes before me I'll just keep fulltiming if I'm liking it or move someplace that might be a nice place to live. I'd miss her terribly, and can't even imagine that right now. I keep notes about what people did when they came off the road for a few ideas.

We both are right with Christ so got that covered.

-- Edited by mds1 on Thursday 21st of January 2016 10:58:32 PM

-- Edited by mds1 on Thursday 21st of January 2016 11:02:56 PM

-- Edited by mds1 on Thursday 21st of January 2016 11:13:55 PM

Neil and Connie · RV-Dreams Family Member

Connie and I talked about this and neither of us is really interested in a whole house anymore…especially at our age. For us…in addition to our "retirement savings" we had enough left over from the sale of our house to put into a secondary account for eventual getting off the road…although at this stage in our lives I'm not sure that buying vs renting really makes sense as we won't (probably) live long enough to gain much equity in it to make much difference…when you're retired I believe that cash flow is more important than building equity.

Nonetheless…we'll get an apartment or buy a condo/townhouse when/if we get off the road. If it's still both of us that will probably be in the Fort Myers area as we're sort of established roots here with choir/doctors/Elks Lodge/friends/etc. Secondary choice would be up near the grand baby near Richmond VA. If it's just one of us then Connie will be near grand baby and Neil will be someplace warmer with no snow.