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Post Info TOPIC: Son doesn't understand


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Son doesn't understand


I know this topic has been covered before, but any new advice or wisdom would be appreciated. We are just shy of 3 weeks living full time in the RV, and I love it. When we sold our home 1 1/2 years ago, we rented an apartment because we still had one son living with us and it was horrible, and very expensive. So after our last son moved out, we decided to move into the MH which cut expenses significantly, and cut DH's commute over 20 miles a day which is huge here in So.Cal. We are also within 2-3 years of DH retiring so cutting expenses is a big deal now. My DH's job brought us to CA 9 years ago, and I have never been happy here, but have done my best to provide a happy home for my kids. I have also told them that after their dad retires we would be leaving CA for financial and sanity reasons. I also explained to the kids how living in the MH gives us the freedom to visit where they are living for extended periods of time. 2 of our boys enlisted in the Coast Guard so they move every 4 years and I hope that my boys choose somewhere besides CA to settle.

Well today, I went out to lunch with one of my boys who let me know that he has a real problem with what we are doing, and when I asked him why he said he doesn't feel comfortable to come over for dinner in the "trailer park", and he is unhappy that there isn't a home to go home to, and what about holiday dinners? I explained to him I can still have them over for dinner and that we would always be there for them, and he may not agree or understand what we are doing, but if we are happy then that is what should be important. He also was not happy because when we first moved into the MH we attempted a 2 week vacation, and our first grandchild that wasn't due until July 24th decided to come early on July 5th and we weren't here. We cut our vacation short and came back and I plan on being an active part of my grandkids life. I also explained to him that some of the best memories that I have with my grandparents is the camping trips that I went on with them, and I plan to make those memories with my grandkids. Well I have rambled on long enough and sorry about that, I'm just feeling very raw and frustrated at the momentconfuse.

Thanks for listening, Karen



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I don't have any advice for you as only you can decide what is the best way to deal with this. But if it helps any, we have the same problem. My 2 stepchildren are completely opposed to our choice of lifestyle and have not hesitated to let us know. We have decided that it is our life and we will live it as we want. We are now 6 weeks into the new lifestyle.

I know that is not much help but sometimes it just is nice to know that you are not alone.

Keep the dream alive.

Vicky and Ira

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I am sorry for the way you are feeling but I am going to make it short and sweet (maybe not so sweet).
Get over yourself and tell your kids to do the same! Are you having a good time? If so, end of story. Did you spend your entire lives taking care of your kids to get them where they are today? Do they or do they no appreciate this (the answer to this question really does not matter)? Are your kids willing to pay for the house they want to be invited over to for dinner? Again, are you having a good time? Is there any reason that your grandkids can't have a good time? Is it at all possible that your grandkids will actually have opportunities with your current lifestyle that were never afforded to you or your kids in the past?
Let's do the math. How many years have you spent taking care of your kids? OK, I'll wait.......
Now, how many years have your kids spent taking a care of you? Tick, tock, tick, tock.
OK, we are ready for your final answer.
Just in case my sarcasm has been lost somewhere in this thread, you have no obligation to provide a S&B home for your kids to visit when you have an excellent home-on-wheels. A house is a building or place. A home is...well, a home is home. If the kids don't want to come home, shame on the kids.

You may think that I am just talking from the top of my head but I can tell you that I see the exact same thing but from the opposite perspective. My Mother simply does not understand my life(style). She can't figure out why I sold my 3,000 SF home and moved into a "trailer"! It's impossible to explain to those with little or no information about what we do but just suffice it to say that if you are happy with your choice then you need to encourage your kids to embrace this happiness and help them understand that what they consider to be trailer park (negative connotation) is really so much more!



-- Edited by Bill Adams on Wednesday 13th of July 2011 08:00:03 PM

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Karen, first of all - congratulations on your decision to live full time in your RV!  What a great way to handle the financial strains you have with cost of living in California! We moved into our camper 16 months ago and have never regretted the decision!  

Now . . . on to your son who can't accept the decision you've made to live life as you want to, and need to right now.  It's HIS choice not to be happy about this.  I lived most of my first 50 years as a people pleaser - always trying to do more and more to make those around me happy.  Guess what, I wore myself out!   Decided it was MY time . . . and learned that it's not my job to make someone happy.

When we moved out of the duplex to our truck camper I, too, struggled with how all the dynamics of family gatherings would change - how there wouldn't be the big birthday dinners around the dining room table or Christmas mornings with everyone around the tree.  A dear friend gave me the words I needed to hear . . . she said, "YOU get to be the fun Grandma - the one who does things differently - the happy, carefree Grandma!"  and so I AM!!!

Follow your heart - your dream and don't let anyone stop you.  In time, he'll see he got all worked up over nothing as he witnesses the happy life you live.



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I can't really relate with your problems, but I will add a wee bit of perspective.  We have the good fortune to live in Oklahoma, and at the moment close to our kids and grandkids.  (One son married with 3 kids and one in the oven  -  second son still single.)

We went through three years of trying to sell our last house so we could move into the fifth wheel, even though we are still working.  Neither of our sons have said anything negative about what we are doing.  (The youngest even likes to go on vacations and trips with us when he can, and since he is single, it is easier.)  The issue we have is an un-cooperative daughter in law, but I won't go into detail.

A friend of ours (and Jo's boss) just returned from a trip to California and made the comment to us that one could easily buy a house cheap in California, what with the foreclosures and others trying to sell.  And, a house is just "stuff."  It could burn down, be destroyed in a natural disaster, or become a liability for the heirs should the owners pass away unexpectedly.

Home, on the other hand, is where the family is located.  It doesn't matter what home is, it is WHO home is.  In our case, our kids grew up when we were renting homes and apartments, so there is no structure that they call "home."  But, we are home whether we are in Oklahoma City, Kansas, Colorado, or wherever.  And, with the RV, if the need arises, we can hitch up and travel to whomever needs us.

When we get to retire and travel, our kids will have the opportunity to tell their friends that they are going to visit Grandma and Grandpa (or Mom and Dad) at the Grand Canyon...Yellowstone...Gettysburg...seashore.  Well, you get the idea.  If your kids are nostalgic for their old room and the back yard, my words won't help much.  But, if you explain that you have merely "expanded" your back yard, perhaps they could better relate.

It is never easy to see family disputes arise, for whatever reason.  And, I don't have an easy answer for you to give them.  It may just take time and their own opportunities to see things they wouldn't have gotten to see otherwise.

Good luck to all of you with such issues.  May God bless you with more understaning within the family.

Terry



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Dear Karen

We can understand and relate to your feeling raw and frustrated.
Your son is thinking only for himself and behaving very selfishly.
He is obviously trying to intimidate and pressure you into feeling
guilty about pursuing a life style that he is uncomfortable with.
It may be very difficult, but you should not let him control you
with guilt. Thank him for his concern and make the decision that
you both feel is right for you.

Paul & Sharon



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I absolutely love the sense of humor and wisdom found on this forum. Thank all for sharing, your
joys, disappointments, experiences, fears....I could go on..... :) God, what a blessing! Pat

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Thanks everyone, this is just what I needed tonight, you all put a smile on my face and made me laughsmile. I think next time he gives me a hard time I will have to tell him if moms not happy then nobody's happy! He wants us to buy a condo, I've done that, my condo is on wheels. Actually, I think he's feeling insecure that mom and dad will move away, but like I told him if he were to get a good job offer out of the area he would take it and now we have a home on wheels so we can come visit.

Thanks again, Karen



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Send him a link to this thread......

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Well now come on, slow down and look at things from his point.  He's young, his life is changing dramatically, not by his own choice.  He's going to be left behind, presumably working every day.  I'v been on the leaving part, he has some valid concerns althought they are based in selfishness.  Reassure him that you will be there when he needs you, and you will keep him as a big part of your life. That you need him in your life as much as he needs you.  Then go out and do your thing, just as we let our kids do there thing (to an extent anyway). Like you or someone else already said if it where he leaving going to another part of the country for a job or school you would let him go and be happy for him.  It's hard having to let go. Suggest that he get the house that you can come back to for holiday dinners. You have put in your time now its time for you too have some free time and do as you please.   Enough said, tell him its not nearly as bad as he thinks it will be, he'll enjoy seeing you have so much fun.

 

Flyone



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Karen,
I told my parents to retire and spend all the money that DAD had accumulated from a lifetime and I mean a lifetime of hard work, had to quit school in the 4th grade to work, his DAD died and left 8 kids. Did I mention that was 1915.
I went on to suggest that if he did not spend it that he had FIVE KIDS, us who would.

They had a very nice retirement from when he finally retired at near 80 until he was 93.
You raised your children and they are adults.
My parents moved to a smaller home and as I reminded my siblings, hotels and motels are close by.

CCC

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I never understood parents being concerned about leaving money for their kids. Someone once said "If the check to the undertaker doesn't bounce, I calculated wrong!" That's how it should work (IMHO).

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I'm with Bill on that.If there is any money left over for the kids we didn't have enough fun.wink



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I say spend everything and let the kids foot the bill at the end!!!

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Wow....our grown kids can be really self-centered sometimes.

My oldest is "embarrassed" that we choose this lifestyle and thinks we are "unstable" and is currently not speaking to me.She is 40. My middle daughter wants me to be happy and she likes that we can take our home on wheels and come for a months, weeks or few days visit (she lives about 1000 miles from our home base). My youngest, a son who is 35, just said "goodbye" to us yet again as we left homebase which is now HIS home that he rents and was our home until last year. We simply hookup on the property until we are ready to leave once again. We are now on our way to Colorado and a several months job up there at a National forest. He is envious. He has my Gypsy soul. My stepson simply shakes his head anymore and tells us to be safe. You cannot please everyone, that is for sure.

Tell your son to "grow up" and realize that you are doing what is best for you. He is not paying your bills and with that in mind, his input is simply emotional. Kids are good at emotional blackmail. As soon as the kids realize that they cannot run your life, they get used to it. It is a smart way to live in this day of high utilities, taxes and all and allows you to be free to move when you wish to or need to without selling a home or giving notice if renting. A great sense of freedom for sure.

I wish you well. Give up the guilt trip and just keep assuring yourself that all with work out for the best.

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Tell your son to write down on a piece of paper all the problems he has with you living in a motorhome and when he hands the paper back to you rip it up in front of him and tell him you don't give a horse's ass what he thinks.



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Family is tough you want them to be on board with your choices to understand them to agree with them. Only you don't, you don't understand or agree with every choice they made how can you expect them to do the same.

It is bottom line your life to mess up just as it is your kids lives to mess up. Some times you just have to agree to disagree then hitch up the fiver and move down the road.

Mallo


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I agree with Colorado Kid! Kids are entitled today and that is due to how WE raised them. What are they entitled to ------- WHATEVER THEY WANT -------- in their minds they are they are the only people who matter and they fully expect to get what THEY want!!

Go off and enjoy your life - you've spent enough time catering to your kids - if they don't understand OH WELL!


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Here’s my opinion. I think that people’s 20’s & 30’s are the primary decades of building a life just the we we want it and everything in it, career, family, parents, homes get treated in proportion to their fit into their perfect life. I know that I was like that in my 20’s - I didn’t see my mother as a separate person, only a piece of the puzzle of MY life. I certainly loved her dearly, but unconsciously tried to fit her into MY idea of how things should be. In fact, many things that didn’t follow my “paint by number” life plan that I thought everything should follow, frustrated me. It was only when I grew older & wiser (usually from life’s way of teaching us through the school of HARD knocks) that I learned to be empathetic with other people’s views that didn’t match mine. Only then did I realized that maybe I didn’t know everything.

We love living in an RV & have never second guessed the decision. However, we do miss the concept of the traditional holiday dinner at grandmom & grandpop’s house, it’s a sacrifice that we’ve made. Instead, for family gatherings, we rent a house on a lake, seashore, mountains, etc. & have everyone over. It’s really nice and everyone gets to enjoy a mini-vacation in a vacation type setting for a few days.

So I don’t think that its a personality defect with your kids or anything, or that they’re especially selfish - its just forcing them to become more independent and open-minded sooner in life than they might otherwise be ready for. When they see how much happier that you are with your new lifestyle and become jealous of your constant new adventures, they’ll come around, ours did. Ours were the ones who when we told them asked digustedly “Are you going to join the circus too!?!” Don’t feel that you’re turning your back on your kids, you’re teaching them one of life’s best lessons - to live life to its fullest in your own unique way, which is what defines us as individuals. They’ll be proud of you someday, though you just might have to be patient (just like when they were toddlers).



-- Edited by DreamerBob on Saturday 16th of July 2011 08:19:02 AM

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With the replies about not worrying about continuing to provide for one's kids anymore, it made me recall a conversation we had with Jo's dad.  He was of the mind that whatever he did with his life, he MUST be able to leave something to his kids.  I suspect that the root of that idea is that he loved his kids, and since his occupation (farming and ranching) didn't give him a lot of time for them, he needed to compensate somehow.

When he told us of wanting to leave his kids something substantial, I told him, "Merle, I think all your kids will agree with me in that we feel that as far as we are concerned, you can sell everything you have, put it into traveler's checks, and take it with you."

However, generations change because we don't want our kids to suffer as we did, thus we protect and spoil them to some degree.  Some are spoiled more than others.  Those, we are not likely to please, no matter how much we do for them.

Find a way to take them camping for a week or two.  If they've never been camping, it might open their eyes a little bit.  Especially if they see you really enjoying yourself.  Who knows, you may even "plant a little seed" in their minds about eventually full-timing.

Terry



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Thank you (OP) for posting this!  I have really enjoyed reading all of the post/advice, especially since we are experiencing the same thing.

We were ready to hit the road full time back in 2005, we had sold our house and business and had the means to hit the road without any financial worries but one child absolutely refused to come onboard with us.  I know if I had been given the chance to travel all over the USA as a child, I would have been chomping at the bit to hit the road.  My wife convinced me that buying another house and waiting a couple of years (camping with the children every opportunity we got), he may come around to the idea of life on the road.  Sadly, he never did and now we are stuck in a house that we can’t get rid without taking a huge hit in the wallet.  My oldest son still hates camping and even refuses to go on trips with us and if we force him to go, he makes the trip miserable for everyone else.  They say a life without regret is a good life; well I guess we missed the boat on that one...lol.  My oldest daughter couldn't wait to go full time and my youngest were on board (and still are) too.  My daughter moved to California 4 months ago, so I guess she will never get the chance to go full time with us.  Don't let anyone stop you from living your dream, life is short and there are no do over’s.

Good luck with your son!  You being happy should be more important to him than his desire to control your life.

 



 



-- Edited by azrving on Saturday 16th of July 2011 11:35:40 AM

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Bill Adams wrote:

I never understood parents being concerned about leaving money for their kids. Someone once said "If the check to the undertaker doesn't bounce, I calculated wrong!" That's how it should work (IMHO).


 I couldn't agree more!  I have always made my own way in life and I expect my children to do the same.  Children (including mine) today seem to have a sense of entitlement, not really sure why they do, I certainly didn't supply them with everything they desired.  It has to be some outside influence, maybe tv, internet, reality shows, school; I have no idea where they got it.confuse  I tell kids all the time, "If the electricity goes out your generation would cease to exist."



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azrving wrote:
 confuse  I tell kids all the time, "If the electricity goes out your generation would cease to exist."

 Ain't that the truth. When I was a kid we were always outside playing. Today, there are lots of kids in my neighborhood, but the only reason I know that is that during the school year I see them standing on the corners waiting for the school bus. Other than that, I never see them.

As for young adult kids who are opposed to what you're doing because they'll miss holiday get togethers all I can say is "Feel free to rent a vacation cottage or whatever, and we'll all assemble there. It's your turn to take some responsibility now". 



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Karen, I sat and thought for a bit about what truly has your son so irritated and from my perspective I think it boils down to you missing the birth of the grandbaby. Your new found freedom took you away from a very important time of his life. I think your timing was off on your "vacation" and maybe he feels this will be the "new" you...missing important dates. As for how you go about living in the future, he needs to get over it! as the rest of the folks here said but maybe next time postpone the trips when something important is just around the corner. Just trying to give thought to both sides. It really can be a win/win situation if you both meet in the middle. Good luck!!

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I started to respond regarding jamminalong's comment, but the comment evolved into a long dissertation which I decided is best posted on my blog instead of in this thread.  Basically, it discusses the changes in "families."

It is not a criticism of their comment, as their comment does have merit, but it is just a difference of opinion

If you wish to read it, it is here at my blog site:

http://ignoringthebarkingdogs.blogspot.com/2011/07/parents-and-children.html

Terry



-- Edited by Terry and Jo on Monday 25th of July 2011 02:01:28 PM

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Just depends on who's life you want to live. Yours or his.


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Now a short two months into living F/T in our RV, we are at the end of visits to our children,first in Virginia, then in Florida, where we are now.Ouite a way from Nevada,where we will return. The RV gave us the flexibility to do this. If I were still paying all the expenses for the "house", I couldn't have done this. One of our daughters is married to a career Coast Guard guy,and yes, they do move every four years. Another daughter is a career US foreign service oficer,who also moves every three to four years,usually out of the country.The third is living back is Vegas, where we will be static 'till June,but her marriage is not a good one and there are numerous problems, for which our help has been ignored. Point is, I've had to accept the fact that my children have lives of their own,and have a right to live them as they see fit. I have missed the two who "left" years ago, terribly,but never have I tried to make them feel badly about the choice to do so. Acceptance is the key. I owe them that;,to accept the choices they make. Your son has to become adult enough to do the same. You can't do it for him.

As far as the remark about the check to the undertaker is concerned, I was one for 35 yrs,owning and operating funeral homes.I spoke to thousands of folks at the time of need for my service .Rarely did survivorssay they wished they had worked longer,harder, or had given more to the children. Most worked too hard (for the children),stayed close to home and delayed travel plans(to help the children),worried too much about the children etc.Where did that get them? The number of people who get to the end stage of life never having done anything for themselves,is staggering.

You have done and will do the right thing;embark on a life that you will enjoy,because it suits you. Congrats.

Richard 



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@ RCLVNV Thanks for sharing the wisdom of your experience with respect to what folks are thinking
about when it is time to say goodbye. We are going to follow our RV dreams and hope to feel that it was the right decision when that time comes. :)


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It is strange. From my own experience and reading all the posts here I am shocked that so many children have problems with how their parents want to spend their own money. It is just so foreign to me. I might not agree with everything my parents do but in the end it is their lives and their money which they worked for. I just can't imagine banning my parents from my life (as some children have done) just because they decided to do something in their lives that I don't agree with. Mind boggling!!

Just my 2 cents.
Vicky

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I'm not sure in all cases it's the money that is the issue.

In some cases it is just concern....

What happens if you get sick, injured? How can I as your child help you if I'm not even sure where you are?

or

Are you going to be there for my kids the way your parents were there for me?

or

I would kill my significant other if we were inclosed in 300 to 400 square feet there is no way your not going to want to kill mom or dad in that thing!

In most cases projecting their own insecurities and in cases where you are talking 18 to 28 year olds they have a bunch of those. Onto you the parent. I know at times I worry about my mother not for any valid reason but because I'm on the road not nearby not able to get that visual cue that everything is good that she's not downplaying things on the phone. But then we have the opposite the Brideandjoy and I full time my mother (our only surviving parent of the four) lives alone. I have the same concerns about her living alone as many of these "kids" express to their parents going out to full time.

Mallo




-- Edited by Mallo on Monday 18th of July 2011 08:42:55 AM

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Great responses everyone! We have always told our kids not to count on an inheritance, because we are planning that the check to the undertaker will bounce LOL!

Our son is starting to come around, he invited us to Sunday dinner at his home, and he had car problems that he couldn't afford to pay for on his own, so his dad took the opportunity to tell him (it's a good thing we moved into the RV so now we can afford to help you) that shut him right up. Our son that just had the baby supports our decision, so the son that doesn't understand isn't getting any help from that end.

We also had an RV from the time that our kids were very small, and thats how we spent our family vacations. I'm sure that one of these days he will want to join us camping somewhere, I think right now he is just feeling insecure that Mom and Dad don't have a home for him to go home to, and doesn't like the idea of Mom and Dad not living close by. I get that, so will keep that communication open. I love the idea of renting a place for everyone to meet for the holidays, I hadn't thought of that one.

Thanks again everyone!

Karen



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RV-Dreams Family Member

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We've been full timing since April 1 after making the decision to do so in December while living in Missouri.  Our oldest son, who lives in New England, blew a cork when we told him.  He was really upset about it even though it meant that we would be able to travel to see him for longer periods as well as his sister who lives nearby - and visit our other son in BC.  He finally resigned himself to the fact that we were going to do it but still wasn't happy about it.

We have just left New England after spending 3 months there and his attitude seems to have done a 180.  He's seen how comfortable we are (and we're in an older 5th wheel that we are slowing upgrading) and how much we enjoy traveling around.  It still bothers our daughter a little but not nearly as much as we thought it would.  Our 4 granddaughters there absolutely LOVED coming to the campground to visit us in our little house.  We had a ton of fun and everyone was sorry to see us leave a week and a half ago.

The son in BC was thrilled when we told him our decision.  He lives 3000 feet up a mountain (several homes up there) with a steep but decent road to get up there.  He's determined we're going to park up there on their property and has already gotten a backhoe in to level a spot and put in a small septic just for our rig.  *I* will not be in the truck as the rig goes up and down that mountain.  Father and son can get it up there while I ride up with DDIL & 1 yo twins.  LOL

My point is....give your son time to adjust but don't put off doing what you want to do because of him. 



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Mike & Gloria

2000 Fleetwood Prowler 32-5D 5th wheel

2000 Ford F350

http://internetGADabout.com/blog




RV-Dreams Family Member

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What it all comes down to is living your passion without letting anyone stop you - let the naysayers and criticizers blow all their steam - you just keep living your dream! 

It happens when anyone decides to do something a little differently - something that doesn't line up with how "society" works.  Talk to those who have left their full time job for a home business.  Talk to those who packed it all up and decided to hike around the world.  Talk to those who leave a church, or those who choose to homeschool their children.  "What? You're not going to do that are you?  You're out of your mind!  It's unheard of . . ."   Just nod and smile and go on with your plan.  You'll see . . . happiness and joy will flood your days cause you've chosen to do what makes you soar! 



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Bruce and Trisha Barnes

Boost Your Health for Free - SMILE!

 


RV-Dreams Family Member

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Posts: 66
Date:

When DH and I got married, we had 7 children between us. The youngest was 5 the eldest 13. We told them we loved them, we showed them we loved them, we fed and clothed them. We told them if they wanted to go to college we would provide a home for them but could not afford to pay their way, scholarships were needed.  When the girls were getting married we offered to buy the husbands to be, ladders (i'm kidding, but we did budget). When they talked about having babies, I told them that I would love the babies to death but don't plan on me babysitting with out checking out my schedule.

We raised very independent children which is what I thought we were supposed to do. In nature we are the only animals that don't tell the kids to grow up and fly away! We love all 11 grandchildren, and 1 great grandchild, BUT WE HAVE OUR LIVES TO LIVE TOO. My DH worked his royal off, it is his time to relax, and I am going to help him relax. We took care of my Mom and his Mom and all the kids, it is our turn and we are taking it, like it or lump it!

Do I sound too nasty???

Love the family but my immediate family is my DH and I will not feel guilty about doing what we want, when we want!

Laura



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Laura, Bunk and Spencer (don't tell him he's a dog)

2002 40ft Revolution

 

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